Changing, Ever-Changing Thoughts on Breastfeeding

Before I had kids and while I was pregnant and even while my son was a small baby, I really thought breastfeeding was the ultimate choice, the best choice in feeding your kid.  And more than just that, I really thought formula was for wimps or moms who didn't care.  I didn't go around telling this to anyone, but I think for a lot of moms, especially those who are educated on the benefits of breastmilk for small children, that same feeling lurks around our brains.  Our ideal is to nurse until our kids are one year old or
two years old or farther, because that is how they do it in some cultures around the world, because there are proven health benefits in doing it so long; and when we can't live up to that, when we find ourselves adding in a little formula to cover when our breastmilk just isn't there, or when we find that we have weaned before we meant to and now there's no going back, or we reach that point where we just can't do it anymore because we are exhausted or ill or worn down or frustrated or in pain, we get down about it.  We beat ourselves up.  We feel guilt and shame.

Well, we shouldn't.


So, here's how my thoughts have changed over the years, and these changes have come about because other women, other caring mothers, have been brave enough to share their stories with me of how they fed their children.


First, let's look at the big picture.  Babies have to eat; they are demanding little suckers.  And for a lot of times throughout history, the job of moms for the first months/years was providing this food.  Moms maybe didn't work outside the home; maybe they could take their babies with them if they did; maybe they lived in a community where most of their friends or family members had young babies, too, and they could trade around nursing duties if someone had to go somewhere or if someone got sick; maybe they fostered out some babies to other families or hired someone to nurse them.  Other stuff happened back then, too -- some babies died; some went through their infancy hungry and underweight -- stuff I am glad I do not have to worry about where/when I live.  Around here, today, our babies still have to eat, and in a lot of cases, moms have to go to work without them.  There's nothing to feel shame or guilt about any of that; it's just how we live.

If you flash forward to, I don't know, the 1950's -- a time in our country when there wasn't yet mass-marketed formula, and people had stopped living in communal settings where you could pass a hungry baby around to someone else, and no one really employed wet-nurses anymore -- you know what they did?  They stuffed those babies full of solid foods very early.  My husband's mom has a note in his baby book, from the 70's, that says she was feeding him rice cereal at 6 weeks old, a practice that was probably pretty common, but is frowned on now (most recommendations are to wait until at least 6 months).


So, now we have formula.  If there is a hungry baby who can't breastfeed enough to satisfy her hunger, that is what we use.  We don't have servants like wet-nurses; we don't live in the same house as our sisters and cousins and all their kids; and we don't bring out the baby food before our kids can sit up by themselves anymore.  We COULD; we DON'T.  Formula, like breast milk, is a tool used to feed a kid too young to eat anything else.  And, honestly, if your other options are letting a kid be hungry or feeding them rice cereal, formula is a much better, healthier thing.

Of course, if that was all there was to it, maybe we wouldn't sit around feeling guilty all the time about using formula.  The other side of it I blame on the companies (and people) who make formula.  Breastmilk, which is free and more nutritious than formula, has no marketing team.  It's like buying apples versus buying apple juice (or maybe like growing your own food versus shopping in the frozen foods section, or maybe I should just let this metaphor die).  Breastmilk sends you no free samples in the mail.  It doesn't come in a handy container in the bag they give you at the hospital.  It doesn't come with coupons.  I went home from my very first *prenatal* appointment with my ObGyn, carrying a container of formula -- it was kind of outrageous.  What was I going to do with that thing other than stare at it for 8.5 more months?  I was totally irritated. Formula companies say they are always doing the best research to make sure their stuff is healthier than it used to be, and yes, of course, it IS (have you ever seen some of sketchy "make your own baby formula" recipes online?  Some of the old-school ones are mostly powdered milk and corn syrup.  Seriously.  I would pick evil Wal-mart's evil knock-off of evil Enfamil any day), but I think we all know that formula companies are also interested in profits.  Money.  Formula is expensive.  Sure, they love to send you free samples when your baby is tiny (or months away from entering the world), but that all stops long before your doctor will give the go-ahead to feed your kid regular old milk.  I remember getting the coupons in the mail when my son was young; at first, $5 off a container, and then a few months later, only $2 off -- they know if you have to buy it you have no choice.  If you buy into the marketing campaigns from the formula people, if you ignore your body's natural response to feed your baby, then you are locked tight into a money relationship with formula.  And it really can happen very quickly -- breastfeeding is call-and-response, supply-and-demand; take away the demand, the supply can be gone in a few days.  I do feel shame about this, but it's not directed at moms, it's directed at the people who market to moms this way.  It's not fair.

And another side of the issue is how we treat moms who breastfeed in public.  Where I live, it is illegal to tell a woman she can't breastfeed, wherever she is.  If she is legally allowed to be in a place, she is legally allowed to breastfeed there.  But not everyone knows this; stores and restaurants can kick women out for breastfeeding without a lot of backlash (and they do).  You get stared at when you breastfeed in public.  It's weird.  It's uncomfortable.  I had to do it during brunch one time in front of my father-in-law ... I was proud that I hadn't brought a bottle with us, knowing I could feed my baby the way nature intended, but that didn't make it any less awkward.  I never repeated it, either.  I tried to schedule things like brunches and outings with my relatives around my breastfeeding, when I shouldn't have needed to.  I was proud of breastfeeding, yes, but it was still an icky feeling to whip out a boob in front of grandpa.

There are other sides, too, and some of them make me really angry.  In my community, the best lactation consultant doesn't take insurance, just cash, and that limits her customer base to those who can pay.  LC's who work in hospitals seem to be, at least from what my friends have said, poorly educated.  I get angry when I hear that a trained lactation consultant being paid by the hospital advises using formula on day 2 -- like, sometimes it doesn't all come together *the day after you give birth* so why are you pushing formula?  I get angry when I hear about women hanging around the grocery store at 11:45pm, waiting for the calendar to change over so they can access next month's food stamps and get some more food for their kids.  Or, in a story related to me by my Bradley instructor, the mom who called the WIC hotline during a hurricane when all the stores were closed, wondering what to do when she ran out of formula (she was advised to breastfeed, since that isn't going to run out during bad weather).  Or moms who think breastfeeding will ruin their breasts -- when, really, time ruins your breasts and so does not sleeping in a bra, and also probably genetics; bank your formula money now and get surgery later if it means that much to you. I get angry when I read horribly mean comments in online forums like BabyCenter and WhatToExpect, anti-breastfeeding and anti-formula alike.  Especially when the nicer forums, websites that actually contain actual advice full of actual factual information instead of just a bunch of angry ladies, are not as heavily promoted, places like LaLecheLeague and Kellymom.  I am still, after two years, trying to unsubscribe from all the WhatToExpect emails, seriously.

Life as we live it here in this country, in my community, doesn't make long-term breastfeeding very easy.  Unless you get to stay home forever, someone is always irritated at your choice -- and sometimes, it's you yourself.  And we only get 3 months to stay home (maybe) before most of us have to go back to work.  Babies generally have a huge growth spurt around 3-4 months old ... you can feel like you can't keep up with your baby's appetite almost from the beginning.


I met a young mom last year who stopped breastfeeding when she went back to work.  She didn't get maternity leave; she was able to stay at home for one month using her vacation and sick time.  So, when her baby was two weeks old, she began pumping to prepare.  Well, nothing came out, probably because they were only two weeks into breastfeeding, which isn't a very long time.  She, probably rightly so, figured it would just be a waste of time, so they switched to formula.  Then they discovered that her baby was allergic to every kind of formula except the prescription kind that comes in a can and goes bad very quickly.  I think she said they were spending at least $30/week on formula.  And her baby was still very very small -- when his appetite grew, I'm sure they spent more and more.  This was a family who rearranged dad's work schedule so he could work at night, because they could not afford daycare.  She felt really terrible about 
how things were working out.  I feel terrible just thinking about it, but the blame doesn't lay at her feet.  It lays at the feet of her employer, who didn't have to provide her with maternity leave; and maybe with the government who won't make laws about maternity leave; and with the prescription formula people, who charge so much money for what is being used as FOOD for a BABY.  Could she have done something more?  Could she have made breastfeeding work for her and her family?  Could she have tried harder?  I feel like those aren't even the right questions to ask.

I used to think formula was for wimps and moms who don't care.  While I'm sure there are formula users
who are wimps and moms who don't care, that's not all I think about it anymore.  I think about it as a faceted thing with so many sides.  A lot of those facets, I don't really like and wish would change.  A few of them are probably completely unchangeable, just reality.  A few of those sides, I work to change.  If you want to breastfeed, study up; take a class; make friends with people who breastfed their kids; find out who the best LC's in your town are; scour the internets for helpful information; watch youtube videos; watch other people while they breastfeed; find places where you can ask questions; find the milk-share networks on Facebook.  If you're having trouble breastfeeding, get help from LLL or an IBCLC certified lactation consultant.  And if you are approaching that line in the sand, where you are so tired or you're struggling or you can't find a solution to the problems you face trying to feed your kid, give yourself a big hug and take a break from all the guilt.